I'll start off with happy news. I'm getting a horse.
Moving on. I'm too easy to forget and I know it has happened/is happening. I am nowhere, I am no one. It does not matter anymore what I do or anything like that.
I will not stop things I've already said I'd do but I have realized that I am pretty much alone.
And I doubt this is just a funk... I am on medication.
I'm sorry that I have been a burden to you all. You don't need to pretend anymore. I will manage if you feel you need to cut me loose.
I do love you all for being in my life, but I would hate for you to despise me for trying to keep people around when they want to move on.
13 December 2011
23 November 2011
I'm not sure how to phrase this
So I know I've mentioned my mental health issues on here before. Those are doing so much better now that I'm back on medication and in therapy so hopefully soon I'll be back to my normal and then maybe finally healthy.
But, and this is what I'm confused with how to say, despite this I feel lost. I mean I know that I have people who love me (and people that I love) but how are things going to change when I change? I mean even small things have already started to change back to normal (like my insatiable sex drive). And I know Woodsmith has already had mentioned not being able to keep up... I just can't help the achey feeling I get down there though.
Then for both of us some of our closest friends are a good half hour away. Yes, not an incredible distance but it seems longer to me for some reason. I'm a very tactile person. I like to touch, I like to cuddle. Texts, facebook, phone are all fine and dandy but there's something about being able to actually be there with the person.
There's a term I heard recently on FL, poly-intimacy. I think it really describes what I see myself as. I mean I don't know how easily I'd be able to have multiple relationships, even though I do really want to have one with a girl because I want to have that connection I have with Woodsmith with a female I care for as much, but I know that I crave intimacy. I don't like the idea of poly-fuckery because anyone that I'd want to do anything with I need that friend connection to. I did the whole one-night craze when I was in college, it's really not that fun. But having that intimate connection with someone that you see as an amazing person to have in your life and wanting them to know in every sense of the word how much they mean to you is an amazing idea to me.
I have no idea at the moment what I'm really rambling about right now. I want to be a good fiancee, I want to be a good pet, I want to be a good friend. I just want to feel so much and be so much and, now my brain just died. But that's not surprising.
Did this make sense to anyone?
But, and this is what I'm confused with how to say, despite this I feel lost. I mean I know that I have people who love me (and people that I love) but how are things going to change when I change? I mean even small things have already started to change back to normal (like my insatiable sex drive). And I know Woodsmith has already had mentioned not being able to keep up... I just can't help the achey feeling I get down there though.
Then for both of us some of our closest friends are a good half hour away. Yes, not an incredible distance but it seems longer to me for some reason. I'm a very tactile person. I like to touch, I like to cuddle. Texts, facebook, phone are all fine and dandy but there's something about being able to actually be there with the person.
There's a term I heard recently on FL, poly-intimacy. I think it really describes what I see myself as. I mean I don't know how easily I'd be able to have multiple relationships, even though I do really want to have one with a girl because I want to have that connection I have with Woodsmith with a female I care for as much, but I know that I crave intimacy. I don't like the idea of poly-fuckery because anyone that I'd want to do anything with I need that friend connection to. I did the whole one-night craze when I was in college, it's really not that fun. But having that intimate connection with someone that you see as an amazing person to have in your life and wanting them to know in every sense of the word how much they mean to you is an amazing idea to me.
I have no idea at the moment what I'm really rambling about right now. I want to be a good fiancee, I want to be a good pet, I want to be a good friend. I just want to feel so much and be so much and, now my brain just died. But that's not surprising.
Did this make sense to anyone?
26 October 2011
I've been a horrible mess lately
So I don't know what is going on with me lately. But here's a quick run down of my past week has been.
Saturday Woodsmith and I got into an argument over stupid stuff. But then I felt I wasn't being listened to which made me louder (and less listened to). Ultimately i hit a tip point and had to go and cry (and not be touched at the moment). My stuff faded from my anger at the argument to my brain taking over and just KNOWING I must had fucked up somehow for him to think that I wasn't worth listening to. So I start asking what I did. He come and holds me telling me i didn't do anything, which my head was saying was a lie. So I get up (I'm really gone at this moment) and race into the kitchen. Grab a Cutco (really sharp) knife and am about to press it into my arm when he yells at me to drop it. Major shock gets me to back away. I then nearly collapse in his arms.
By this point we both have to head out cause we had plans. He was helping a friend pick something up and I was going to go dance. Most of the time dancing my head is still spinning and then start doing African Dance which kept me from thinking. I really think starting after Halloween I'm going to do the free classes on Monday in African Dance. I'm way to white and need something to get me a bit of soul. Went home and started getting ready for Thunder Kittens.
So that night was the Big Strip at Red Fish Blue Fish. It was also my first time doing anything with he Burlesque Troupe that Sugar and Allura started up. My burlesque name is Cattiva Gattina (and she has her own FB page so I can kept that stuff there). Most of what was being done is stage kittening which is picking up clothes all sexy like. However also collected tips topless and played boobie pong. The Kittens also had to go-go dance for a bit because the comedy act was sick and couldn't make it. By the way. I need to find out if the HOIR is having a NYE party cause if not I'm planning on seeing if I can do go-go at the Crack Fox for NYE.
Sunday I was feeling better (I was afraid I was still going to be fried and need to call the Crisis Line from Safe Connections). Was incredibly sore but still had some fun with Woodsmith. Also had dinner with my dad and mom.
Monday was back to feeling like crap. Now not just that I did something to make Woodsmith upset but also that I had no friends or anyone that cared about me. And made a family safe status by stating to the mom the worm status was just cause the poem/song got in my head. Spent the night talking to someone about something they wanted advice on and head started to shut up again.
Tuesday back to feeling okay. Woodsmith and I had dinner with our families.
Now today all I want is to curl up in a ball and spend the day crying. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to cry while you are at work? Which also makes me think I'm gonna be worthless at work today which just makes things worse.
Saturday Woodsmith and I got into an argument over stupid stuff. But then I felt I wasn't being listened to which made me louder (and less listened to). Ultimately i hit a tip point and had to go and cry (and not be touched at the moment). My stuff faded from my anger at the argument to my brain taking over and just KNOWING I must had fucked up somehow for him to think that I wasn't worth listening to. So I start asking what I did. He come and holds me telling me i didn't do anything, which my head was saying was a lie. So I get up (I'm really gone at this moment) and race into the kitchen. Grab a Cutco (really sharp) knife and am about to press it into my arm when he yells at me to drop it. Major shock gets me to back away. I then nearly collapse in his arms.
By this point we both have to head out cause we had plans. He was helping a friend pick something up and I was going to go dance. Most of the time dancing my head is still spinning and then start doing African Dance which kept me from thinking. I really think starting after Halloween I'm going to do the free classes on Monday in African Dance. I'm way to white and need something to get me a bit of soul. Went home and started getting ready for Thunder Kittens.
So that night was the Big Strip at Red Fish Blue Fish. It was also my first time doing anything with he Burlesque Troupe that Sugar and Allura started up. My burlesque name is Cattiva Gattina (and she has her own FB page so I can kept that stuff there). Most of what was being done is stage kittening which is picking up clothes all sexy like. However also collected tips topless and played boobie pong. The Kittens also had to go-go dance for a bit because the comedy act was sick and couldn't make it. By the way. I need to find out if the HOIR is having a NYE party cause if not I'm planning on seeing if I can do go-go at the Crack Fox for NYE.
Sunday I was feeling better (I was afraid I was still going to be fried and need to call the Crisis Line from Safe Connections). Was incredibly sore but still had some fun with Woodsmith. Also had dinner with my dad and mom.
Monday was back to feeling like crap. Now not just that I did something to make Woodsmith upset but also that I had no friends or anyone that cared about me. And made a family safe status by stating to the mom the worm status was just cause the poem/song got in my head. Spent the night talking to someone about something they wanted advice on and head started to shut up again.
Tuesday back to feeling okay. Woodsmith and I had dinner with our families.
Now today all I want is to curl up in a ball and spend the day crying. Do you have any idea how hard it is not to cry while you are at work? Which also makes me think I'm gonna be worthless at work today which just makes things worse.
11 October 2011
Me and my funks
So I will admit that I have a bit of a bad history. I got this problem that I'll get in these funks. Like I am now. I spend a lot of time sad and crying a lot. And most of the day thinking about how much of a fuck-up, a horrible person, etc. I am and how it will only be a matter of time before the people in my life realize that all I'm ever going to do is destroy their life and they don't want to deal with someone like me.
I'm in one now. Don't be surprised if you see me looking really upset or something IRL or via FaceBook. I will get over this (I always do) it just is up in the air of how long it is.
I'm in one now. Don't be surprised if you see me looking really upset or something IRL or via FaceBook. I will get over this (I always do) it just is up in the air of how long it is.
27 September 2011
My engagement
So Saturday was an amazing day for me. First Woodsmith and I signed a lease for our first place together. Then headed down to Pirate Fest. And that's where my scavenger hunt began (and even though it wasn't in order I'm gonna talk about it as if it was).
First the gorgeous Lamain sent me a text saying she needed to speak to me. I get there and am given an envelope, a fan, and told if I get confused to come and see her. I open it and am told I'm starting a scavenger hunt.
My first stop took me to the Badger Blade deck (where he first saw me). Where I was looking all around and thought maybe he meant somewhere else but Lamain informed me it was the right spot. Finally I find a bottle with a rocket in it.
That led me to Mary (who I met on our first date). Having a person who moves around makes things difficult when someone tells me they saw her on one side of site, get there to be told she's at front gate. But I found her eventually.
Mary's note mentioned us seeing movie. That movie (our second date) was also the night I got appendicitis. And was the first time Woodsmith realized how much he cared about me. Heading around got me up to our puppy friend who can be heard ALL over site.
Puppy's note sent me to the barber surgeon. The note I got there was actually the first one and I'm glad because I would have never figured out to get there from the hint Woodsmith put in the note. But that was the first place he called me his girlfriend and the prettyful Renee gave me that note.
From there I was sent to Fae (which is off limits during pirate fest to patrons, yay for being a cast photographer). Honestly for the longest time in there I was looking for a cat since I am the Happycat but the nickname he was talking about was the one I got at my first HOIR party of the sin bin gnome. I got a box and a new note there.
The new note sent me to the Pirate Ship which was probably the first real site work I did (the painting of the Watermelon Bridge came after) and my concussion. Now, to start off, Woodsmith had mentioned he was putting his keys in the tent if I needed to get into the car. I mentioned I remembered how to get in there and he said if I needed them for any reason they were there. In the Pirate Ship was a locked box. I promptly forgot about the keys and thought the key for the lock was in the box cause it didn't close all the way. After shaking out everything but one thing from there (including the note) I was getting irritated. So Twilight Teddy Bear helped me pop the lock and I got a winged horsey.
Horsey sent me to the coral (I play with the horses during Ren Faire which is why no one sees me). There was a winged puppy there. Now a horse is my spirit animal and a dog is the Woodsmith's. Doggy had on a kilt and I was told to go to where the woodcarver works. Now he does work at Woodsmith's building and the Scottish encampment so the kilt sent me to the right spot.
I get there and Woodsmith is waiting for me. He has me find a flower bouquet. Then he asks if I know what is going on. Honestly I didn't suspect anything until trying to pry the lock when someone mentioned they proposed that way (dog solidified my thoughts) because at first I thought he was just being REALLY romantic about us moving in together. So I say no and he asks what the woodcarver is always asking us (when are we getting married). And so YAY! now we are engaged (I did say yes btw).
First the gorgeous Lamain sent me a text saying she needed to speak to me. I get there and am given an envelope, a fan, and told if I get confused to come and see her. I open it and am told I'm starting a scavenger hunt.
My first stop took me to the Badger Blade deck (where he first saw me). Where I was looking all around and thought maybe he meant somewhere else but Lamain informed me it was the right spot. Finally I find a bottle with a rocket in it.
That led me to Mary (who I met on our first date). Having a person who moves around makes things difficult when someone tells me they saw her on one side of site, get there to be told she's at front gate. But I found her eventually.
Mary's note mentioned us seeing movie. That movie (our second date) was also the night I got appendicitis. And was the first time Woodsmith realized how much he cared about me. Heading around got me up to our puppy friend who can be heard ALL over site.
Puppy's note sent me to the barber surgeon. The note I got there was actually the first one and I'm glad because I would have never figured out to get there from the hint Woodsmith put in the note. But that was the first place he called me his girlfriend and the prettyful Renee gave me that note.
From there I was sent to Fae (which is off limits during pirate fest to patrons, yay for being a cast photographer). Honestly for the longest time in there I was looking for a cat since I am the Happycat but the nickname he was talking about was the one I got at my first HOIR party of the sin bin gnome. I got a box and a new note there.
The new note sent me to the Pirate Ship which was probably the first real site work I did (the painting of the Watermelon Bridge came after) and my concussion. Now, to start off, Woodsmith had mentioned he was putting his keys in the tent if I needed to get into the car. I mentioned I remembered how to get in there and he said if I needed them for any reason they were there. In the Pirate Ship was a locked box. I promptly forgot about the keys and thought the key for the lock was in the box cause it didn't close all the way. After shaking out everything but one thing from there (including the note) I was getting irritated. So Twilight Teddy Bear helped me pop the lock and I got a winged horsey.
Horsey sent me to the coral (I play with the horses during Ren Faire which is why no one sees me). There was a winged puppy there. Now a horse is my spirit animal and a dog is the Woodsmith's. Doggy had on a kilt and I was told to go to where the woodcarver works. Now he does work at Woodsmith's building and the Scottish encampment so the kilt sent me to the right spot.
I get there and Woodsmith is waiting for me. He has me find a flower bouquet. Then he asks if I know what is going on. Honestly I didn't suspect anything until trying to pry the lock when someone mentioned they proposed that way (dog solidified my thoughts) because at first I thought he was just being REALLY romantic about us moving in together. So I say no and he asks what the woodcarver is always asking us (when are we getting married). And so YAY! now we are engaged (I did say yes btw).
28 August 2011
*smiles*
Last night was amazing. I got to spend time with my boyfriend, a girl who is definitely one of my closest friends, and her husband at a rave. Then ended the nigh hanging out at the Crack Fox with people who I feel lucky to be considered family with.
I know that most of our friends do story long blogs on stuff but I just need to talk about first how pleased I am with all of this. I may start doing story long blogs eventually, who knows.
I know that most of our friends do story long blogs on stuff but I just need to talk about first how pleased I am with all of this. I may start doing story long blogs eventually, who knows.
24 August 2011
Okay people
I know on FB (which I believe all of my follower peoples have) I have been making some angsty sounding posts.
I want to let you all know that I'm not really depressed. Yes, I've gone and gotten in a bit of funk but it's on myself. I did something that really was stupid even if other people don't think it was and had a little ruckus come from it. So if I am distant, deteched, etc. just know that it's not because of any of you. I just am trying to put my head together and stop feeling like a worthless bitch who doesn't deserve the people that are in her life cause I just screw up what I touch.
I will get better and I will still be going out and seeing people. I just may not be the bubbly me you all know and love.
I want to let you all know that I'm not really depressed. Yes, I've gone and gotten in a bit of funk but it's on myself. I did something that really was stupid even if other people don't think it was and had a little ruckus come from it. So if I am distant, deteched, etc. just know that it's not because of any of you. I just am trying to put my head together and stop feeling like a worthless bitch who doesn't deserve the people that are in her life cause I just screw up what I touch.
I will get better and I will still be going out and seeing people. I just may not be the bubbly me you all know and love.
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